waiting.

it started with a broken heart.
a broken friendship.
a broken church.
a broken family.
and then the accident.

Wednesday morning, i was making my way to school. i had to meet up with my friends to work on a spanish project, so i was leaving earlier than usual. as i was going down this straight road, out of nowhere a car drove out in front of me and all i could think is.. it's too late. i can't stop.

i saw my lights reflect off her windows. the crunch of my car hitting hers. and the sound and sparkle of the exploded airbags. i sat there in pure shock. all i could feel was the drops of rain hitting the top of my car.

the ambulance came. i was taken to the e.r., had x-rays taken, asked questions, and was checked up and down my body. the verdict: my body was okay. minor bruises and soreness/aching to last for a few weeks.
no big deal.

as i adjusted back to my normal routine of life. i began to notice that i became more sensitive of the things that i would've otherwise considered normal. well first of all, EVERY passing car made me shiver and dizzy. and i was seeing things that i had never seen before. i began to see that my parents don't know me as well as they think they do.. or even i thought they did. i realized how rarely they listen to me, as in hear me out and try to understand where i'm coming from. i realized how extremely few friends i have that truly accept me and are my friends just with the fact that i am who i am. [they're actually a surprising amount of people that had stopped talking to me when i stopped being able to drive. and consequently, when i began to drive again, the texts and calls came back again?] i realized how little respect i have in soooo many peoples eyes. i've been judged as this GOODY-GOODY my entire life and have been scorned for it. that is all i am to many. but i understand that we are all humans. judgment is somewhat part of human nature.

i realize now that as my body came out to be okay, my mind had been shaken and i guess my opened that much more. i have lost much but gained little. i feel selfish but i cant help it. throughout this year alone, i've been worn down so much that im just tired. this tiredness is brings me to turn to worldly things versus the things that used to matter most to me.

and i was told today that it's sad,because even in my facebook pictures, they can tell how much more i look unhappy compared to before. i try to keep up this facade, this mask that lets you know that im the same old happy-go-lucky gina who'll always be there for everyone at everytime. but im tired. and i want to be able to exude that kind of light without having to fake it or try so hard.

im told by various people that-things will always get better-we lose things so that we can gain things that are so much better- and even from the Bible -"those who sow in tears shall reap with joy."
but i feel myself constantly asking when? when can i be in peace and finally win these battles?
im trying to trust in God, that all of this for my own good. no, i do trust him.
but this weariness that has constantly been building over the past months..is something i'm battling.
there is something else. however its something too heavy to be written about or really said at this point.

nevertheless as of right now..i'm waiting. and fighting.