a definiton along with a different meaning

what does it mean..
to have a friend?
to be a friend?
to be friends?

are they supposed to be someone you can talk to?

or someone to talk about?

should they be allowed to make you cry?

or hold you while you cry?

what about honesty?

is it all about telling each other what you want to hear?

or opening up despite if it hurts them or even you,
because at the end of the day
you know that this friend will still be there and love you?

will they even be there?

what would you call friendships that are

broken, corrupted, or that never was?

everyone gives a definition,

yet they live it out with a totally different meaning.

what does it mean anymore?

simple.

today was just one of those days where everything worked out.

nothing was completely spectacular or horrible. it was just one of those days that make your heart feel warm despite the cold weather, just knowing that you're surrounded by such love, uncontainable, undefinable, and completely free.

it makes me wonder if i deserve days so great and peaceful such as these. but i remember as i've been so distant from God these days, he wants me to be happy and he promises days like today and so much more.

what i know for sure. i am blessed. for the happiness. the pain. the peace. the light. and sometimes even the loneliness. because whatever i have to go through. it only brings me that much closer to him.

wishful thinking

there are those dreams that some people dream all their lives.
we wish and we wait.

i've realized that i'm always waiting. but what in the world am i waiting for?

a few weeks ago something i've been wishing came true. and you know it wasnt at all what i expected. it was actually the opposite. i wanted the wish to go away.

but again i find myself waiting.

so many thoughts run through my head

i dont know whats going on with the world these days
while everyone races to be the prettiest, the strongest, the best.
what matters anymore to this generation of comfort and technology?
the life that used to prize streams of water as they formed the centers
of communities..becomes landfills filled with water bottles.

has the pureness of life gone away?
that no one can be satisfied with simplicity.
now its fortune and overabundance.
having the most, having it all
versus wanting what you already have.

and few can fight this. this age that takes people in
with no knowledge of whats going on.
don't you wish you could start over?
go back to the beginning when you and i were nothing
but everything at the same time.
forget all the fights, the brokenness, the greed, the pride.

clear skies, fresh cupcakes, talks that last hours.

lets go back. back to the beginning.

no more digging holes.

so many times in my life, i find myself regretting everything: choices, relationships, actions, etc.

but you know, where does that get us? where does that take us in our life journeys? nowhere.
you sorta find yourself digging yourself into a hole that won't stop getting deeper until you get out and move on.
but its hard not to think, what if? or could that have happened? or even, if i had done that what would things be like today?... but the reality of it is that, today is the way it is for a reason and theres no reason for us to sit and dwell on everything thats gone on.
you learn from your mistakes, dust off your knees, and get back up on your feet.
of course you might make another mistake or embarrass yourself along the way, but seriously, we're human. Flaws and weirdness is what gives someone their true character. maybe its just me, but i'd rather have someone flawed and weird than someone "perfect" and fake.
i used to hate it when people would call me out or those who are brutally honest.. but now i really respect those people who have the decency and courage to say what they truly want to say. it takes real moxie haha.

so here's to honesty and getting back up on your feet!

a cup of tea

they say that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
except what if those lemons are rotten?
what if they aren't even lemons, they're limes?

the point is that despite your best efforts to change the people around you, the world, and ultimately yourself... you're still really left with those lemons that you were given.
the only one who can change them is the giver.. and he likes to be called God :)

we were all given our each individual lemons, because God knows that they're the type to make our own PERFECT glass of lemonade. it's up to us to be able to take advantage of the fact that we even have lemons and that we even have someone to give us some.

so.. despite my brusied lemons....i'm gonna make some amazing lemonade

waiting.

it started with a broken heart.
a broken friendship.
a broken church.
a broken family.
and then the accident.

Wednesday morning, i was making my way to school. i had to meet up with my friends to work on a spanish project, so i was leaving earlier than usual. as i was going down this straight road, out of nowhere a car drove out in front of me and all i could think is.. it's too late. i can't stop.

i saw my lights reflect off her windows. the crunch of my car hitting hers. and the sound and sparkle of the exploded airbags. i sat there in pure shock. all i could feel was the drops of rain hitting the top of my car.

the ambulance came. i was taken to the e.r., had x-rays taken, asked questions, and was checked up and down my body. the verdict: my body was okay. minor bruises and soreness/aching to last for a few weeks.
no big deal.

as i adjusted back to my normal routine of life. i began to notice that i became more sensitive of the things that i would've otherwise considered normal. well first of all, EVERY passing car made me shiver and dizzy. and i was seeing things that i had never seen before. i began to see that my parents don't know me as well as they think they do.. or even i thought they did. i realized how rarely they listen to me, as in hear me out and try to understand where i'm coming from. i realized how extremely few friends i have that truly accept me and are my friends just with the fact that i am who i am. [they're actually a surprising amount of people that had stopped talking to me when i stopped being able to drive. and consequently, when i began to drive again, the texts and calls came back again?] i realized how little respect i have in soooo many peoples eyes. i've been judged as this GOODY-GOODY my entire life and have been scorned for it. that is all i am to many. but i understand that we are all humans. judgment is somewhat part of human nature.

i realize now that as my body came out to be okay, my mind had been shaken and i guess my opened that much more. i have lost much but gained little. i feel selfish but i cant help it. throughout this year alone, i've been worn down so much that im just tired. this tiredness is brings me to turn to worldly things versus the things that used to matter most to me.

and i was told today that it's sad,because even in my facebook pictures, they can tell how much more i look unhappy compared to before. i try to keep up this facade, this mask that lets you know that im the same old happy-go-lucky gina who'll always be there for everyone at everytime. but im tired. and i want to be able to exude that kind of light without having to fake it or try so hard.

im told by various people that-things will always get better-we lose things so that we can gain things that are so much better- and even from the Bible -"those who sow in tears shall reap with joy."
but i feel myself constantly asking when? when can i be in peace and finally win these battles?
im trying to trust in God, that all of this for my own good. no, i do trust him.
but this weariness that has constantly been building over the past months..is something i'm battling.
there is something else. however its something too heavy to be written about or really said at this point.

nevertheless as of right now..i'm waiting. and fighting.